"Say what you have to say, and not what you ought."
~ Henry David Thoreau



Monday, April 28, 2014

Family Ties

A few weeks ago I received the unwelcome news that my brother and his wife were ending their marriage. I was shocked, saddened and disappointed. I had always admired them as a couple that had a good marriage and figured they were solid. It just goes to show you never really know what goes on inside a marriage and how deceiving outside appearances can be. 

I was the first of my siblings to divorce. It was traumatic and painful for all involved and caused a deep rift in some family relationships. Sides were taken. Angry accusations were made. Names were called. Judgements were made. Insults were hurled. And all of those things were directed at me. I felt like a pariah in my own family. It's taken me years to get over the pain it caused and to forgive the vitriol that was directed at me. 

Never one to learn a lesson easily, I've married and divorced twice since then. I spent decades feeling lesser than my siblings as I had one failed marriage after another. My siblings on the other hand, stayed married. That's all changed now. Over the last four years all three of my surviving siblings have ended their marriages. As families go, ours has an absolutely dismal track record in the marriage department. I don't think it's a coincidence that these break-ups have happened in the four years since Julie died. I never imagined that the last time we would all be together as the family I'd known for the previous 15+ years would be the week after she died. Her death shattered our family in so many ways, three marriages among them it seems. Not only have I spent the last four years grieving my sister's death, I've also spent part of those years grieving the end of marriages and some family relationships.

Probably because of my vast experience in the marriage and divorce department I choose to have a very broad definition of family. Once someone becomes a member of my family I consider that relationship permanent. For me a family isn't formed only by marriages and births. It's also created by years of shared experiences and the memories made. Families share so much-- births and deaths, laughter, joy and celebration, disagreements and forgiveness, sadness and loss. I find it impossible to act as if all that no longer matters and that the bonds that were formed over many years somehow mean less because a marriage ends. 

I've suffered enough loss in my life. I don't want anymore. Losing family is too hard. Instead, I decided long ago to keep my heart open and do my best to accept the change that happens when marriages end and to try my best to maintain positive relationships with everyone. My former stepchildren aren't that in my heart. I care about them just the same as I always did. The label of former just makes it easier for society to understand our family dynamic. I've known my sibling's spouses since they were 16 and 17 years old. We grew up together. Our relationships span decades. We've shared too much to discard our relationships, at least as far as I'm concerned. My sisters and brother-in-laws will always be that to me, regardless of who they happen to be married to, or not. They will always be Gillian's aunts and uncles and the parents of my nieces and nephews. Their new partners, if and when they come, will be welcomed into my life and family. 

As the saying goes, the only constant in life is change. Relationships end. People get divorced. The definition of divorce is: the ending of a marriage by a legal process; a complete separation between two things. That's a pretty simple definition. Nowhere does it mention taking sides, placing blame or severing family ties. Divorce is the ending of a marriage. It's between two people. That's it. People divorce each other. Sides don't have to be taken. But most of all, family relationships don't have to be severed. 


8 comments:

  1. Family is family. I can't let go of my children's former spouses just because the marriage did not work out. I am heartbroken over each loss, but I love those who married into our family, and I always will. To me, they are all still family. To me they are my kids that I watched grow up. They gave me beautiful grandchildren. I love them. My heart breaks, but mostly I pray we will all be there to support each other.

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  2. It's interesting that you tie everything in your life to Julie's suicide...as if life is divided into before and after. That says a lot about the devastation of suicide to the family. Was that really the trigger to your siblings' marriages ending, or is that just your perception?
    I hope you can pull off maintaining the relationships with the ex-spouses.

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    1. My life really is divided into before and after. Everything changed. Part of it is the loss of my innocence I suppose. Who ever imagines they'll lose a loved one to suicide? Suicide IS devastating to those left behind. It's life altering in ways that are hard to understand unless you've experienced it.

      Do I think Julie's suicide was the trigger to the end of my siblings' marriages? No. One was already very on the rocks when she died, but I do wonder if it was an underlying contributing cause. Grief is hard on relationships and people handle it so differently. For some it can bring them closer. For others it widens already existing gaps.

      After some initial bumps I've been able to continue my relationship with one former sis-in-law. It's easier because we live very close to each other and share many friends in common. I also adore her new fiancee. Geographical distance will make it harder to maintain the relationship with my soon to be ex sister-in-law, but I will try to stay connected however I can.

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    2. Keicha, Thanks for replying. You know you can always ignore my nosey comments! I've learned so much about the devastation of suicide from you and your mom. You've both been so open about sharing the impact and the loss. My heart aches for both of you when I read your stories...and for Julie, whose pain had to be unbearable.

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  3. I was married and divorced three times by the age of 30. I know whereof you speak, and much of it was because of the loss of my infant child. It tore us apart. And now, many many years later, I am getting ready to celebrate the twentieth anniversary of my marriage begun at the age of fifty. I am still connected in many ways to those who I loved in my twenties. I'm sending you lots of love and gratitude for this thoughtful post, Keicha.

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    1. Thank you for your kind comments DJan. Grief affects relationships in very different ways and is hard on most marriages & relationships.

      I admire your courage in marrying for a fourth time. Mike and I talk about marriage sometimes, but I have to admit I'm hesitant because of what people will think. I know some of his friends have expressed concerns to him that I'm not a good "risk" which makes me feel judged. Silly, I know as what the two of us think is all that should matter.

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  4. That's a pretty darned insightful post, Keicha, and one with which I agree. I remember the first time I met Rick's favorite cousin at the wedding of another cousin. We went for a walk and she said, "You know, I can't help it -- I really liked Robin. We went through a lot together." And I was so pleased I could honestly say to her, "Of course you do -- your relationship doesn't have to change just because Rick's and Robin's did." Later, she and I became very close, which makes me smile. (Actually, I have a pretty good relationship with Robin, too!) Of course, people drift and that's one thing but you're right -- you build relationships and your family is extended. I'm very sorry that it didn't work for your brother and his wife, but their loss doesn't have to be yours and you are wise to acknowledge that. Sending hugs.

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    1. Other people's reactions to maintainingg relationships with exes are funny, aren't they? I know some in my family have been offended that we didn't choose their "side".

      You're right. People do drift and maintaining the relationship takes effort by both people.

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