"Say what you have to say, and not what you ought."
~ Henry David Thoreau

Friday, April 8, 2016

Sunny Days Seem To Hurt the Most


Today would be your 40th birthday. You've been on my mind so much the last several days. You always are in April when the daffodils are in bloom. Reminders of you are everywhere in these early days of spring. It's weird, but I seem to miss you the most during the beautiful, sunny, warm days of early spring. 

The other day I heard Kenny Chesney's song Who You'd Be Today. Just as the songs says, I wonder so much about the person you'd be today. It's hard to imagine you at 40. You died so young with so many of your dreams unrealized. What would you be like today? Would you have chased your dreams and then settled down with a family? Remember how we used to talk about your future? What would you have named your babies?  

I remember the year I turned 40 and how happy I was to celebrate with you. We were both so young and carefree then, or at least it seemed that way. You must have been struggling much more than I realized. But still, you showed up to make my birthday special. That was so like you, always hiding your own pain while you made others smile. We made so many plans together during the early days of my 40th year - plans to grow old together. Remember how we promised each other we would never be alone because we would be two crotchety old ladies living together in our golden years? When we made that promise did you know you wouldn't make it to 40? 

Why is it that sunny days make me miss you so much? I feel so alive and happy on those days, especially the sun-filled days of early spring when the flowers are beginning to bloom. It's when I feel most alive that my heart fills with sadness and longing for you. Life is full of so many simple, beautiful pleasures, like the warm sun on your face after months of cold, dark winter days. You lost sight of all the good things that life could offer you. Your mind played tricks on you, focusing only on the dark, hopeless thoughts in your head. I wish I could have helped you through that last dark night of your life. If only I could have been there to remind you of the light and hope that morning and a new day would bring. 

I miss you. I wish you were here to celebrate your 40th birthday together with me. The sun is going to be shining and the daffodils are blooming in my yard. I'm having a party to celebrate your day, because even though you're gone your life still deserves to be celebrated. I love you forever Jules. Happy Birthday.