Family Ties

A few weeks ago I received the unwelcome news that my brother and his wife were ending their marriage. I was shocked, saddened and disappointed. I had always admired them as a couple that had a good marriage and figured they were solid. It just goes to show you never really know what goes on inside a marriage and how deceiving outside appearances can be. 

I was the first of my siblings to divorce. It was traumatic and painful for all involved and caused a deep rift in some family relationships. Sides were taken. Angry accusations were made. Names were called. Judgements were made. Insults were hurled. And all of those things were directed at me. I felt like a pariah in my own family. It's taken me years to get over the pain it caused and to forgive the vitriol that was directed at me. 

Never one to learn a lesson easily, I've married and divorced twice since then. I spent decades feeling lesser than my siblings as I had one failed marriage after another. My siblings on the other hand, stayed married. That's all changed now. Over the last four years all three of my surviving siblings have ended their marriages. As families go, ours has an absolutely dismal track record in the marriage department. I don't think it's a coincidence that these break-ups have happened in the four years since Julie died. I never imagined that the last time we would all be together as the family I'd known for the previous 15+ years would be the week after she died. Her death shattered our family in so many ways, three marriages among them it seems. Not only have I spent the last four years grieving my sister's death, I've also spent part of those years grieving the end of marriages and some family relationships.

Probably because of my vast experience in the marriage and divorce department I choose to have a very broad definition of family. Once someone becomes a member of my family I consider that relationship permanent. For me a family isn't formed only by marriages and births. It's also created by years of shared experiences and the memories made. Families share so much-- births and deaths, laughter, joy and celebration, disagreements and forgiveness, sadness and loss. I find it impossible to act as if all that no longer matters and that the bonds that were formed over many years somehow mean less because a marriage ends. 

I've suffered enough loss in my life. I don't want anymore. Losing family is too hard. Instead, I decided long ago to keep my heart open and do my best to accept the change that happens when marriages end and to try my best to maintain positive relationships with everyone. My former stepchildren aren't that in my heart. I care about them just the same as I always did. The label of former just makes it easier for society to understand our family dynamic. I've known my sibling's spouses since they were 16 and 17 years old. We grew up together. Our relationships span decades. We've shared too much to discard our relationships, at least as far as I'm concerned. My sisters and brother-in-laws will always be that to me, regardless of who they happen to be married to, or not. They will always be Gillian's aunts and uncles and the parents of my nieces and nephews. Their new partners, if and when they come, will be welcomed into my life and family. 

As the saying goes, the only constant in life is change. Relationships end. People get divorced. The definition of divorce is: the ending of a marriage by a legal process; a complete separation between two things. That's a pretty simple definition. Nowhere does it mention taking sides, placing blame or severing family ties. Divorce is the ending of a marriage. It's between two people. That's it. People divorce each other. Sides don't have to be taken. But most of all, family relationships don't have to be severed.