Family Fun and the 4th of July

My well-worn road atlas marked up by my dad from the 1st time
I drove to Colorado alone.

If I had to guess the number of times I've traveled from Utah to Colorado via I-80 through Wyoming I think it would be in the hundreds. I've been making the 600-mile trek to Colorado Springs since before I can remember. I made my most recent journey there from Utah  to spend the 4th of July holiday at my mom's. I was anxious to get to Colorado to see family and friends since it had already been 14 months since my last visit there. Pieces of my heart live in Colorado and after I've been gone too long they draw me back. It's definitely my second home--where I go to find the soothing my heart and soul sometimes needs and where I'm reminded of my history and my roots. It's my touchstone in life. It's 'home' to me even though I've never really lived there. 

Stopping for $.75 cones at Little America.

Gillian and my niece Regan came along on my summer road trip. This was our second road trip to Colorado together. I think we make a pretty good traveling team. Having travel partners always makes a long road trip better, and having these two in the car with me makes me especially happy. I love listening to their happy chatter and giggling. They remind me of summers and time spent traveling the roads of Colorado with my cousin Michelle. Just like Gillian and Regan we're also 9 months apart in age. Summer vacation time with Michelle was always special and something I still look forward to. I'm so glad Gillian and Regan are getting to create the same kind of special memories together. 

My brother Jon, sister-in-law Sam, and nephew Atticus were also visiting Colorado while I was there. I couldn't wait to see them! It had been a year since I'd last seen Jon and nearly three years since I'd seen all three of them together. Jon suffered a nearly fatal accident late last year and I've been longing to see and connect with him since. Gillian had also been anxious to see her favorite Uncle Jon again. We were both very happy girls when we finally got to hug Jon, Sam and Atticus and enjoy time with some of our favorite people!

We spent our first night in Erie at my sister Amy's. My nephew Mason was spending the holiday with friends, but the cousins went to visit him at his dad's Outback Steakhouse where he was just getting off work. They spent a few minutes talking and catching up before Mason headed off on his trip. Here's a picture from the last time we spent the 4th of July in Colorado. Can you believe how much our babies have grown up since then?

Mason, Hannah and Gillian - 2008.

Cousins 2015 - Regan, Mason, Hannah and Gillian.

Hannah made the trip from Erie to Colorado Springs with us to spend a couple of nights at grandma's. Gone are the days when the back seat was full of whiny, crying kids that made car trips to grandma's a dreaded undertaking. Now those same kids entertain themselves and me, laughing, talking and just enjoying their cousin time together making memories  they'll treasure for the rest of their lives. 

Off to grandma's - Regan, Gillian and Hannah.

We celebrated the 4th with a barbecue at my mom's followed by a walk through the foothills looking for the bear that had been seen near her house. We didn't see any bears, but we did learn what to do in case we ever do encounter one. Did you know you're supposed to talk softly to bears? I didn't. Since we didn't find any bears we headed up the hill to the Mt. St. Francis grounds in search of more adventure.

Regan showing off her gymnast moves.

We found mystery, adventure and lots of animal bones on the convent grounds of what used to be a tuberculosis sanatorium. Uncle Jon was the ringleader with all of the kids enthusiastically joining him in studying the many animal bones they found in the dry canal bed that runs along the grounds. A summer storm with dark clouds rapidly moving in, the many old buildings, a graveyard, church bells tolling and religious symbols everywhere added to the ominous sense of mystery that afternoon. Gillian took most of the pictures below as she documented our bear hunt turned CSI outing.

The rest of the trip was spent visiting family, showing the girls the landmarks of Colorado Spings, telling old family stories and visiting the Fine Arts Center to see a Georgia O'Keefe exhibit. The girls drug out grandma's old scrap books and family photo albums. I loved listening to them ask questions about everything they were looking at, interested in learning about their family history. They stayed up late into the night talking and laughing. They even dug through the guest room closet and tried on some of the clothes they found there. Gillian fits perfectly in her Aunt Julie's old high school Prom dresses. Seeing her in them breaks my heart and makes me smile at the same time. 

Looking at old photo albums and grandma's high school scrapbooks.

I always like to look at the family pictures my mom keeps on her shelves.
Baby Gillian and Mason are in the black & white picture. Weren't they cute?

Only Jon can get away with flashing gang signs with mom looking at him adoringly.

Ice cream at Josh and John's.

Uncle Jon discussing the fine points of street art with the next generation.

Leaving their mark on cousin Diana's office window. 

Visiting my 2nd cousin, children's book author Dian Curtis Regan.

When I got to my mom's and took my bags to my room I saw this sign in the guest room waiting to be hung up. I didn't realize it when I set out on my trip to Colorado, but these are some of the many things I'd been needing. My heart had been yearning for home and this is why. 

Family Ties

A few weeks ago I received the unwelcome news that my brother and his wife were ending their marriage. I was shocked, saddened and disappointed. I had always admired them as a couple that had a good marriage and figured they were solid. It just goes to show you never really know what goes on inside a marriage and how deceiving outside appearances can be. 

I was the first of my siblings to divorce. It was traumatic and painful for all involved and caused a deep rift in some family relationships. Sides were taken. Angry accusations were made. Names were called. Judgements were made. Insults were hurled. And all of those things were directed at me. I felt like a pariah in my own family. It's taken me years to get over the pain it caused and to forgive the vitriol that was directed at me. 

Never one to learn a lesson easily, I've married and divorced twice since then. I spent decades feeling lesser than my siblings as I had one failed marriage after another. My siblings on the other hand, stayed married. That's all changed now. Over the last four years all three of my surviving siblings have ended their marriages. As families go, ours has an absolutely dismal track record in the marriage department. I don't think it's a coincidence that these break-ups have happened in the four years since Julie died. I never imagined that the last time we would all be together as the family I'd known for the previous 15+ years would be the week after she died. Her death shattered our family in so many ways, three marriages among them it seems. Not only have I spent the last four years grieving my sister's death, I've also spent part of those years grieving the end of marriages and some family relationships.

Probably because of my vast experience in the marriage and divorce department I choose to have a very broad definition of family. Once someone becomes a member of my family I consider that relationship permanent. For me a family isn't formed only by marriages and births. It's also created by years of shared experiences and the memories made. Families share so much-- births and deaths, laughter, joy and celebration, disagreements and forgiveness, sadness and loss. I find it impossible to act as if all that no longer matters and that the bonds that were formed over many years somehow mean less because a marriage ends. 

I've suffered enough loss in my life. I don't want anymore. Losing family is too hard. Instead, I decided long ago to keep my heart open and do my best to accept the change that happens when marriages end and to try my best to maintain positive relationships with everyone. My former stepchildren aren't that in my heart. I care about them just the same as I always did. The label of former just makes it easier for society to understand our family dynamic. I've known my sibling's spouses since they were 16 and 17 years old. We grew up together. Our relationships span decades. We've shared too much to discard our relationships, at least as far as I'm concerned. My sisters and brother-in-laws will always be that to me, regardless of who they happen to be married to, or not. They will always be Gillian's aunts and uncles and the parents of my nieces and nephews. Their new partners, if and when they come, will be welcomed into my life and family. 

As the saying goes, the only constant in life is change. Relationships end. People get divorced. The definition of divorce is: the ending of a marriage by a legal process; a complete separation between two things. That's a pretty simple definition. Nowhere does it mention taking sides, placing blame or severing family ties. Divorce is the ending of a marriage. It's between two people. That's it. People divorce each other. Sides don't have to be taken. But most of all, family relationships don't have to be severed. 

Friends and Family

Year three of our annual motorcycle trip to the Yellowstone area has come and gone and I can’t believe it’s already over. The first year I didn’t know what to expect and ended up loving everything about the trip. The second year I knew what to expect and was even more excited to go. This year I’ve been eagerly anticipating our trip almost since the day we returned home last year. I’ve yearned for it, first counting the months, then weeks, and finally the days before we hit the highway.

Our group numbered ten this year and for the first time in three years I finally had a female partner in crime to share the fun with. Five of the ten have made the journey all three years, a few have made it one or two times, and there were two newbies joining for the first time. 

Besides all the fun and laughter, every year I’ve taken away something different and very personal from this trip and this year was no different. Having solitary time on the back of a motorcycle, alone with my thoughts, surrounded by beautiful scenery, naturally leads me to thinking about many of my thoughts and emotions. I realized that it's very rare that I'm able to be completely quiet inside myself, away from all the stress and obligations of everyday life, just reflecting on my life. 

What struck me this year was how close a group of such different personalities and backgrounds can become. Tight bonds are formed that last well beyond our short vacation. This year, like last year, we rented a large house that we all stayed in together. At dinner time on the second night we were all gathered around a huge dining table eating our spaghetti dinner, when someone commented that they felt like they were at a family Thanksgiving. Someone else said, "This is better than my last Thanksgiving when I was alone with some store bought chicken and potatoes." Of course we all laughed and kidded him, but someone also said something to the effect of  "Well, we're your family, so it should feel like a family dinner." 

The day before someone mentioned how great it was that we were all together as friends, people that we'd chosen to spend time with because of the positive things we bring to each other's lives. We don't choose our families, and some in the group have less than ideal family dynamics, but we do choose our friends and our friends can be our family too. 

I realized that on some level that's why this trip, and this group of people, have become so important to me. They feel like my family. I've always loved big family gatherings--having everyone together under one roof, late nights spent talking, laughing and goofing around, leisurely mornings in pajamas drinking coffee while planning the day, and laughter filled dinners at a big table surrounded by people I love. 

I do, of course, have a large loving family of my own, but our family gatherings just aren't the same anymore. For one thing, there have been very few of them in the last three years. The last time we were all together under one roof was the week after Julie died. I don't think any of us would have survived that week if we hadn't been together. Little did I realize how much things would change after that. My mom said recently that Julie was our family lynch pin. A lynch pin is something that holds the various elements of a complicated structure together. That was Julie. Now that she's gone our family structure seems to be in a free fall. We're lost without her. When we are together, as Edna St. Vincent Millay said, "The presence of that absence is everywhere." In her absence we just don't get together that much anymore.

During our trip I laughed until my stomach hurt and there were tears streaming down my cheeks. There were long days and late nights filled with fun, but also talking about more serious things with people we all trust with each other's feelings. There were even some disagreements and squabbles, but they were all quickly put to rest with sincere acknowledgements of one anther's feelings and opinions with apologies when needed. I was surrounded by people that Mike calls "lifers", friends that are there for life, through thick and thin. The connection remains strong whether we see each other once a year or once a week, just like family. 

I guess my soul has been searching for a way to replace what I feel I've lost. I need those large family gatherings filled with silliness, laughter, closeness, support and love. When I got on the back of our motorcycle and hit the open highway, besides a vacation I was also seeking some peace and solace from my unconscious longing for connection. Lucky for me, I found all that and more. 

Beantown and Back

“I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.” – Mark Twain

Earlier this month Gillian and I took a trip to Boston to visit my brother Jon, sister-in-law Sam, and nephew Atticus. Our journey started in Colorado, where we met up with Atticus, who had been spending time there with his grandma Rita.  The three of us flew together from Denver to Boston.  Luckily, I already knew that I liked both of my travel companions, having traveled with both of them before in a variety of places.  Gillian has been flying since she was seven months old, and Atticus has traveled further than most 9-year olds I know, so navigating airports and crowded flights with the two of them was a breeze! 

It was my second trip to Boston and Gillian’s first. On my first visit, my sister Julie and I drug four-year old Atticus all over the city, logging so many miles on the Freedom Trail that the poor kid developed an aversion to the Freedom Trail that still exists five years later. Just the mention of it brings panic to his eyes.  That trip was marked by daily meltdowns every afternoon, when the three of us would be exhausted and in need of a pick-me-up that only Starbucks (iced coffees for Julie and I and Madeleine cookies for Atticus) could provide. This trip was much different.  Sam was there to join in the fun (last visit she was studying in Bangladesh) and there were no meltdowns.  Our trip to Starbucks was more for nostalgia’s sake than anything else. 

Gillian's number one, non-negotiable request for the trip was a beach day on Cape Cod.  She got her beach day, and she also got plenty of bonding time with her cousin, uncle and aunt.  Gillian hasn't spent much time with Atticus through the years, since he's lived so far away and my two previous visits to visit Jon and family in both Boston and Bangladesh didn't include her.  I loved seeing the two cousins connect and get to know each other better.  By the end of the trip they were teasing and antagonizing each other just like siblings!

For me, the trip was not only an opportunity to spend time with some of my favorite people, it was also a chance to make new memories in a city I last visited with Julie.  I loved being there with her.  We really bonded on that trip, and I view it as the time our adult relationship as peers really blossomed.  It was good to be back to revisit my memories, and to be able to make new ones of shared, happy, silly, carefree moments with others I love and cherish as much as I loved and cherished her.  

Jon entertaining Gillian and Atticus while waiting for the T.

Playing on the docks

Madeleine cookies for Atticus

We spent a fun afternoon playing the classic New England game of Candle Pin Bowling.

Waiting to have some Boston Cream Pie at the Green Dragon Tavern,
 birthplace of the American Revolution.

Jon showing off his candle pin bowling moves.

Riding the duck boats at Boston Public Garden.

In the stockades in Salem.

Lunch at The Lobster Shanty in Salem 

Dunkin' Donuts-a Boston tradition! 

Gillian sharing her donut with a hungry looking pirate. 

Sam and I doing our best imitation of elderly women crossing the road.

Proud sand castle creators at Nauset Beach.

Gillian getting on Atticus' last nerve.

Lunch in Chinatown.

Gillian showing off her Chinatown souvenir umbrella.

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