I've come so far from the broken, grieving, guilt-ridden person I was in the first few years following Julie's death. I truly feel healed and as at peace as I think someone can ever be with prematurely losing someone they deeply love and cherish. I've worked diligently to regain my equilibrium, mental strength and resilience. I forgave myself for not saving her. I've studied and learned about mental health, suicide and suicide prevention. I even changed careers in order to work in the field of mental health. I feel whole again. If there's one thing I still feel though, it's regret.
Merriam-Webster defines regret is as:
1 : sorrow aroused by circumstances beyond one's control or power to repair
2 : an expression of distressing emotion (such as sorrow)
Last night I dug out the police report and the coroner's summary report related to Julie's death. I'd only read them once before about a year after she died, then filed them away in my basement. After re-reading them I was struck by some of the details that I'd forgotten. Regret filled me as I read the timeline of events and summary of her phone and text communications in her last few hours of life. Surprisingly, I knew very little about mental illness and suicidal ideation before Julie died. Even though my sister had struggled with bipolar disorder most of her adult life, back then I was unbelievably naive and unaware about what that really meant for her. I'm shocked now at my ignorance. As the saying goes, hindsight is 20/20. Despite our closeness and sometimes near daily contact, we almost never talked about her illness or how she was, or wasn't, managing it. I didn't know how to have such a conversation, and I certainly had no idea how to effectively come to the aid of someone experiencing a mental health crisis.
Today at work I was talking about all of this with one of my employees, who also happens to be an experienced mental health counselor. When she talks to patients and others about mental illness, depression, etc. she compares it to someone with diabetes. They are both diseases that if not properly managed are potentially fatal. The patient should know how to manage their disease, which includes having a good network of caregivers and supporters around them. Most importantly, their loved ones and supporters need to know how to best help them manage their disease, including how to help them if they're in crisis because of it. It's a simple, and I think very accurate, analogy. Sadly, although I think it's safe to assume Julie viewed me as one of her key supporters and helpers - especially that night - I had no idea how to come to the aid of my sister during her time of crisis.
It's easy to think that knowing how to intervene when someone is suicidal or in another type of mental health distress isn't something you'll ever need to know. But what if you do? Just like medical First Aid and CPR, I believe everyone should be trained in Mental Health First Aid. On that horrible night eight years ago, I was powerless to change the ultimate outcome because of my lack of knowledge and training. I can't change what happened. What I can do is learn from it and share that knowledge with others. Please take the time to learn how to potentially save a life. Here are some resources:
Eight Ways to Help a Friend with Depression from Mental Health First Aid
Mental Health First Aid Info. from Mental Health First Aid USA
How We Can All Prevent Suicide from the Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Utah Suicide Prevention Training & Classes from NUHOPE Suicide Prevention Coalition
Love you forever Jules
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| In her element |
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| In the waves at Cape Cod |
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| Besties - Amy & Julie |
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| Hannah reading to Aunt Julie at grandma's house |
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| Inside the Old North Church with Atticus |
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| Julie, Grandma French, Keicha |
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| Julie and Jason |
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| Sisters |
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| Relaxing poolside after running the Georgetown to Idaho Springs 1/2 Marathon |
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| Shopping for running shorts at the dollar store |
