Inauguration 2013

Gillian watching President Obama's inaugural address

This morning Gillian and I watched the inauguration together. Even though she is a normal 14-year old girl and not all that interested in politics and current events, she is at least aware of what's going on in the world around her and understands the historical significance of today. It would be pretty hard for her not to be aware, since there's rarely a day when I'm not talking passionately about something political! 

Four years ago when Gillian was in 5th grade her class watched Obama's first inauguration and were asked to write down their observations. Here are her notes from that day.

I tried to get her to write down her observations today, but she refused since it's a school holiday and she didn't want to do anything remotely resembling school work. Instead, as we watched I asked her questions. We talked about the historical significance of this inauguration being held on Martin Luther King Day, during the year marking the 150th anniversary of the Emancipation Proclamation and the 50th anniversary of the March on Washington. Luckily, due to a having a great U.S. History teacher this year, and having also seen the movie Lincoln not long ago, she has a good understanding of both events.

I mentioned to her that Obama took his oath of office on two bibles, one that was President Lincoln's, the other having belonged to Martin Luther King Jr. She seemed most interested in the connections between today and Martin Luther King Jr. In her history class they recently watched a movie about Martin Luther King Jr. and the Children's Crusade. I asked her if she would ever be willing to do what those children did. Would she go to jail for something similar? She replied "I wouldn't have to" which I guess was a young person's very innocent, honest recognition of her white privilege.  A minute later she said, "But I would if I had to for things to change." Phew! I was relieved. One of the principles I'm trying to teach her is that although obeying laws and rules is important and right most of the time, civil disobedience for the greater good is equally important. To me, having strong convictions and being willing to risk personal comfort for those convictions, along with a sense of justice for ALL mankind  is extremely important. Belief in personal convictions and being willing to speak up against popular culture and the majority is something I really value. Because of this I'm trying to raise a child who is a thinker, not a follower. 

Much has changed in the last four years. Gillian is no longer a young child making innocent, non-political observations about our president's inauguration. Today she is more aware of the greater world around her and her connection to it. She's learning about the struggles and challenges in our country and world, and how the outcomes of such struggles impact her. I love watching this process, seeing her learn, watching the light bulbs come on in her head. She's beginning to understand her place in the world, and I hope, the importance of being an informed, active, engaged citizen. This morning was one those gratifying days of parental reward. Two months ago we sat together watching election returns, Gillian seeing me cheer and cry when Obama's victory was announced. Today we again watched history in the making. It was a good day. 

Suicide and Guns

Although I try not to get too political on this blog, today is an exception. There have been many things I've wanted to write and share since the tragic school shooting in Newton, Connecticut and the ensuing national argument about gun control. I have very strong opinions on the subject, and personally feel our government leaders need to take immediate, strong action to strengthen gun control laws. My reasons for thinking this way are perhaps different than many others, and are very personal. I work to prevent suicide. Guns are overwhelmingly the weapon of choice in a large number of suicides, including suicides-by-cop and murder-suicides. In an email received the other day from the QPR Institute for Suicide Prevention, its President and CEO, Dr. Paul Quintett, said this: 

"We at the QPR Institute are concerned that the national debate following the Sandy Hook tragedy is veering off course.

Almost no one has noticed that most mass murderers take their own lives or are killed by police gunfire (suicide-by-cop).

So long as America remains uninformed about the role suicidal self-directed violence plays in these tragedies, and in domestic violence murder-suicides as well, our debate will not lead to new possible solutions."

Last week, The QPR Institute was asked by the American Psychological Association for recommendations to reduce gun violence in America. The APA will share these recommendations with federal officials as they discuss new gun violence prevention strategies.  The recommendations, which I fully endorse, are below. My hope is that by sharing them, others will read them and perhaps change their perspective on gun control and the need to reduce gun violence in this country. Gun violence is a serious national health issue, as is suicide. I believe both can be reduced by following the common sense, evidence based recommendations outlined below. 

Prevention Strategies to Deter Mass Shootings and Reduce Gun Violence: Recommendations and Resources

© 2013, Paul Quinnett, Ph.D., President and CEO, QPR Institute, Inc.

www.qprinstitute.com

(This document may be widely shared, reprinted and distributed without permission.)

To prevent the next gun violence tragedy we believe America needs science-based, constitutionally-appropriate, community-based interventions which are available now for immediate implementation. For each recommendation below, web sites or links to best practice programs are included.

Following the tragedy at Newtown, the premise for these recommendations is the observation that most mass murderers either take their own lives or expect to be killed by police (“suicide-by-cop”) after committing multiple homicides, e.g., Lanza, Cho, Harris, Klebold, and others.  In addition, among the far more common “simple” suicides (those not involving a homicide—approximately 39,000 deaths a year), over half are by firearm.

(http://www.cdc.gov/injury/wisqars/index.html).

These evidence-based recommendations target several sectors of our society: the general public, health professionals, gun dealers, gun owners and law enforcement professionals.

For the General Public, Health Professionals, Gun Dealers and Citizen Gun Owners:

1.     Train the general public to recognize suicide/homicide warning signs among their family members, friends, students, co-workers and throughout their social networks.

Then teach them to intervene as follows:

-Clarify the meaning of the warning sign(s) with the person

-If in distress, intervene to get the person immediate help

-Restrict access to firearms, e.g., immediate removal, off-site storage, key gun part removal, locks

-Train all gun owners in the“11^th Commandment” of responsible firearm ownership: Keep firearms from distressed persons

2.     Train firearm dealers to recognize distressed persons attempting to purchase guns, how to delay or deny the sale and how to make a referral for assistance or secure a mental health evaluation when warning signs are present.

3.     Educate mental health and health professionals on the overlap of suicidal/homicidal desire and intent, and legally mandate training in how to detect, assess, and manage suicide/homicide risk. This training deficit accounts for many missed opportunities to reduce gun violence and deter mass shootings (http://www.sprc.org/bpr/section-II/preventing-suicide-through-improved-training-suicide-risk-assessment-and-care). In recognition of this potential public health hazard, in 2012 Washington State passed a law “requiring certain mental health professionals to complete education in suicide risk assessment, treatment and management.” http://apps.leg.wa.gov/documents/billdocs/2011-12/Pdf/Bills/House%20Passed%20Legislature/2366-S.PL.pdf

For each of the above recommendations, the following best practice and evidence-based programs are now available:

1.     General public training in suicide prevention

-       http://www.sprc.org/bpr, e.g., QPR, CALM, and others

2.     Firearm dealers, gun safety instructors, gun and hunter club training

-       http://www.sprc.org/bpr, CALM

3.     Health professional training

-       http://www.sprc.org/bpr, Section II “Adherence to Standards” programs

For Law Enforcement Professionals:

1.     Using best practice registered programs, train law enforcement officers in how to:

-       Recognize the warning signs of suicide/homicide and how to conduct a simple 3-step CPR-equivalent emergency intervention

-       Conduct a suicide risk assessment interview using the same methodology used by thousands of mental health professionals, and of particular value to officers responding to domestic violence calls, jumpers and others

2.     Enhance the mental health/suicide/violence prevention literacy and skills of law enforcement officers by providing training about:

-       Their key role in the National Suicide Prevention Strategy 2012

-       Successful violence prevention interventions, e.g., the US Air Force project and means restriction strategies (www.meansmatter.org)

-       The link between mental illness/substance abuse and violence

-       Evidence-based risk mitigation/intervention strategies

-       How to prevent suicide inside the law enforcement community itself

-       How to develop community partnerships with firearm dealers, gun owners, gun safety instructors, hunting clubs and others to enhance gun safety and restriction of access to firearms though teaching the “11^th Commandment” of responsible firearm ownership: Keep firearms from distressed persons

To enact these recommendations, the following best practice and evidence-based programs are available now:

1.     http://www.sprc.org/bpr/section-III/question-persuade-refer-qpr-law-enforcement

2.     http://www.sprc.org/bpr/section-III/calm-counseling-access-lethal-means and http://www.consensusproject.org/learningsites

Key References:

Barber C, Azrael D, et al., Suicides and suicide attempts following homicide: Victim–suspect    relationship, weapon type, and presence of antidepressants. Homicide Studies, August         2008 vol. 12 no. 3 285-297

Feldman, B. N., & Freedenthal, S. (2006). Social work education in suicide intervention and prevention: An unmet need? Suicide and Life-Threatening Behavior, 36, 467-480. doi: 10.1521/suli.2006.36.4.467

Institute of Medicine. (2002). Reducing suicide: A national imperative. Washington, DC: The National Academies Press.

Knox. K.L., Litts, D.A, Talcott, G.W., Feig, J.C., Caine, E.D., (2003). Risk of suicide and related adverse outcomes after exposure to a suicide prevention programme in the U.S. Air Force: cohort study. British Medical Journal. 13, 327 (7428)

Luoma, J. B., Martin, C. E., & Pearson, J. L. (2002). Contact with mental health and primary care providers before suicide: A review of the evidence. American Journal of Psychiatry, 159, 909-916. doi: 10.1176/appi.ajp.159.6.909

Slovak, K., & Brewer, T. W. (2010). Suicide and firearms means restriction: Can training make a difference? Suicide and Life-Threatening Behavior, 40, 63-73. doi: 10.1521/suli.2010.40.1.63

The Gift of Friendship

Aimee and I in Bangladesh, choosing our future vacation cottage.

Yesterday I received an early birthday present, probably one of the best I've received--a check for $3,500.00 for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP). The company my best friend Aimee works for decided that instead of giving client gifts at the end of 2012, they would instead donate the amount of money they would have spent on gifts to three different nonprofit agencies, one of which was AFSP.

Three years ago this month, Aimee and another girlfriend joined me  for a weekend in Colorado to celebrate my 40th birthday along with my sisters and friends there. It was an amazing weekend, full of laughter, fun, dancing, celebrating and silliness, and only a little bit of drama. At that time I thought that weekend was the greatest gift ever. Never in our wildest dreams would any of us have thought that three short years later I'd be accepting a check in honor of Julie, to be used in support of efforts to prevent suicide. It all made me think about gifts, and friends, and gratitude, especially my own. I'm so lucky to have Aimee for a friend.

My 40th Birthday Weekend in Colorado

When we first met each other over ten years ago, friendship didn't seem likely. We'd both joined the Junior League within months of each other. A short time later, we ended up working together on the League's annual Casino Night fundraiser, me as the chairperson and Aimee as my co-chair. Like soldiers who bond over shared trauma, we bonded over the often stressful experience of being unexpectedly put in charge of the League's signature event. We logged many hours together in person, over the phone, and working collaboratively via email and found that we complemented each other perfectly. A friendship was formed. 

During our years together as active Junior League members we logged hundreds, if not thousands of  volunteer hours together, working side-by-side on League sponsored community projects and during two terms as League board members. Most of the time we worked in less than ideal conditions, hot, sweaty, tired, on our feet for hours. None of that mattered though, as we'd keep each other motivated by laughing, joking and talking.

Keeping it real during breaks from working at the
Junior League's Children's Health Connection.

Gradually, our friendship deepened. Aimee even acquired a nickname, Gygi (short for Glitter Girl, another nickname) to lessen confusion due to my sister also being named Amy. She was there during the breakdown of my last marriage, my divorce, and the ensuing craziness of my early single years. She was the person I called when I didn't know what to do and wondered if ending my marriage was the right thing. She listened to my troubles for hours. She was there when I ventured out into the dating world, supportive, and always willing to help me lose a male admirer turned borderline stalker, and then laugh with me about it afterwards. She never judged me for my horrible dating choices, and always agreed with me after, when I'd wonder what on earth I'd been thinking!

We've shared the ups and downs of parenting, being full-time working moms, and juggling husbands, housework and volunteer jobs. She's been my workout partner and together we decided to give running a try. We ran our first 5k together. We pushed, encouraged and challenged each other to meet our goals of running our first 1/2 marathon, which we each did a year apart. While training for a 1/2 marathon after Julie's death, she kept me going when my motivation lagged. I kept training, knowing she was counting on me as she was then training for her first 1/2. We've now finished two half marathons together. 

Finishing the 2011 Ogden 1/2 Marathon.

We've also been there for each other during the hard times. We've cried together, and shared our innermost fears, feelings and frustrations. Aimee taught me so much about grief and moving on, long before I ever knew I'd need those lessons. She too knows loss, and the horrible trauma of losing a cherished loved one too soon. When Julie died, Aimee was the first person I called outside of my family. She's been there for me for the happy times, but more importantly, for my darkest times. She's held me in her arms while I cried and questioned, and listened to me for countless hours as I've dealt with the aftermath of Julie's suicide.

Together, we've traveled to other cities, across the country and across the world. Without her, I would never have had the courage to travel to Bangladesh. We've danced, laughed, played, worked, run, and cried our way through the last decade. We know each other's weak spots, faults, and life moments and choices we regret. Each of us knows how the other one likes their coffee, and our cocktail of choice. Even during the most stressful of times, we always end up making each other laugh. I know that no matter the occasion or dress code, Aimee will almost always show up in a cardigan. She knows that I have absolutely no rhythm and can't dance, but gets out and tears it up on the dance floor with me anyway. Even when we disagree, and we do, we accept each other. Most importantly, she understands my loss, my grief, the great gaping hole that was left when Julie died. Yesterday I was reminded of that, and how lucky I am for the gift of her friendship. Thanks for being you Gygi! Love you. 

Conquering Thalassophobia

I ended 2012 with courage, stubborn determination and quite a bit of swearing. 

Mike had decided that during our vacation in San Diego it would be fun to go on a whale watching tour. In kayaks. In the ocean. I'd never kayaked before, and I'm more than a little intimidated by the ocean, so that wasn't exactly my idea of fun. Gillian was up for the challenge and they both spent weeks trying to convince me to face my fears and live a little.

 During the drive from Utah to California Mike gave me his "it's important to get outside your comfort zones and enjoy life" speech. Like I told him, they're called comfort zones for a reason. I'm completely comfortable not kayaking in the ocean! Why should I make myself uncomfortable? Secretly though, I'd already made up my mind to give it a shot. Of course, this was after I'd Googled the number of people that have been killed during whale watching kayak excursions in the ocean. As it turns out, it's a pretty safe activity. Imagine my dismay.

On New Year's Eve, our last full day in San Diego, we headed out on our great adventure. On the ride from our hotel to the beach, I mentally ran through all the reasons I didn't need to be afraid, reminding myself that the anticipation of the unknown is almost always worse than the reality. Still, I was terrified. 

Once we got to the kayak rental/excursion shop things moved quickly, which was good because it gave me less time to think about what I was doing. Waivers were signed, wet suits were donned, and before I knew it we were walking to the beach. After a short training on paddling and how to get past the surf, I grabbed a kayak and drug it into the water, swearing every step of the way. Gillian lucked out and rode in a two-person kayak with Mike. I was on my own. Did I mention I'm terrified of the ocean and don't like being in it past water that's above my waist?

Suited up and ready to go.

I wish I could say I handled it all like a champ, but the truth is I was so scared I wanted to cry. Thankfully, my ego stopped me from bursting into tears, and instead I did the mature thing. Under my breath I swore like a sailor while imagining the many ways I'd like to torture Mike, Mr. Experienced Kayaker, for convincing me I could do this. How dare he! As I swore and plotted, I paddled furiously and very ungracefully past the surf, focused on keeping the bow straight ahead so I didn't get flipped over by a wave. 

After about 10-15 minutes, I relaxed. I'd made it past the worst part. I hadn't capsized, the sun was shining, I was on vacation in a beautiful setting, and in the distance there were dolphins playing in the water. My breathing slowed down and I very intentionally focused on enjoying the next couple of hours. Of course, there was the paddling part. That wasn't super fun. I never did completely enjoy that. 

Soon after my attitude adjustment, we spotted some sea lions in the distance. We paddled closer and stopped. The sea lions came closer too, and dove and surfaced right next to our kayaks, then underneath, popping up on the other side. What fun! 

After that we paddled further out so we could find a spot to sit and watch for whales. Unfortunately, we didn't see any. After waiting as long as we could, our guide told us it was time to head back. More paddling. It seemed like I'd never be done paddling! In reality, in only took about 15 minutes to make it back to shore from the spot a mile where we'd stopped. Only one more challenge left--getting past the surf again.

Gillian

Amazingly, I made it, catching a wave and riding it into the shore without tipping over. Mike and Gillian weren't so lucky. Yards away from the beach Gillian decided she'd had it and tipped her body completely over to one side, throwing their kayak off balance and dumping them both into the cold water. 

So, there you have it. I faced my fear and lived to tell about it. I ended what was a very difficult year for me in a place of strength rather than fear and defeat. I conquered my own greatest enemy--me--and in the process reminded myself that I am strong, capable and when I need to be, fearless. 

Christmas Recap

As I write this I can hear the sound of snow blowers outside as neighbors work to clear several inches of snow that fell today. There was a skiff of new snow yesterday, so the bulk of our White Christmas came a day late. 

I'm ignoring my walks and driveway that need to be shoveled, because in my mind I'm already on vacation. Tomorrow we're headed to San Diego for some R&R, warmth and fun in the sun. I can't wait! A few months back we decided that this year we'd take a trip and make some memories together instead of spending money on unneeded, frivolous Christmas gifts. It made for such a stress-free holiday. I also kept my Christmas decorating to a minimum, and shopping for small, inexpensive gifts made the experience fun.

Of course, from this picture of Gillian's Christmas haul, you wouldn't know it was supposed to have been a "light" Christmas for her. She always seems to get spoiled on Christmas! 

Here are some more pictures from yesterday. We had a relaxing morning with Isaac, Gillian and the dogs, who were never far from the action.

Mike full of excitement and ready to cook breakfast.

Gillian's new prized possession: a One Direction toothbrush
(One Direction is THE boy band of the moment).

Sophie supervised all the unwrapping.

Another Buddha for Mike's collection.

Isaac loving on Sophie.

The kiddos, opening presents.

This year I tried to very consciously focus on spending time doing what would bring me the most pleasure. For me, the most important part of the holidays is relaxing with family and friends. I was able to do this, and had several enjoyable visits with people I love and cherish. 

The holidays now also bring reminders of Julie. There isn't a moment that goes by that she isn't missed, or in the words of Edna St. Vincent Millay, "the presence of that absence is everywhere." I think these two posts, left on Christmas night by my mom and Amy on Julie's still active Facebook wall say it best. 

Amy Christiansen Hopfenspirgerposted toJulie Christiansen

Yesterday

Another Christmas without you. Not going to lie, it sucked, but we are all continuing to put one foot in front of the other. You would have loved seeing the kids with Mr. Boston and Hannah relishing all her Taylor Swift loot.

I continue to struggle to find the meaning behind the loss of you. Our family has changed a lot since then. My hope is that the why is yet to be revealed.

I sat in church yesterday(quit laughing, it's true) and they talked about the darkness. I've never been in the darkness so long as I have since losing you. Oh Jules, I love you!!! And thank you for those stupid slippers you gave me. I hated them then, I cherish them now. 

Sally French Wesselyposted toJulie Christiansen

Yesterday

What Amy said...

We never talked about it, but all I could think of was how much you missed out on by leaving us so soon. You never got to see Hannah become the beautiful, tall, blonde beauty that she is becoming. You would have loved seeing her with her perfume, her nail stuff, and with Boston. You don't even know Boston.

You didn't get to see the handsome, caring, supportive, gift-wrapping guy that Mason is becoming. You didn't get to see him becoming a young teenager.

Then, there are the others: Parker, Gillian, Regan, Bridger, and Atticus. They weren't with us this year, but you missed seeing the young people they are becoming.

We did go to church. We know darkness now in a new way. I also know the Light that has led me to begin to heal as best I can. I trust you are with Him this year.

I didn't go to the cemetery because as Amy reminded me, you hated Christmas. I like to think you would have liked this one. I know we would have loved it if you would have been here.

I love you and miss you so much.

Cinnamon Rolls and Love

For as long as I can remember my nickname among my immediate family has been KeichaBell. When I was very young, around three or four years old, I made frequent visits to my neighbor's house a few doors down, always announcing my arrival by ringing the doorbell. I remember being so small that I had to stand on my tiptoes to reach the bell. The neighbor, an older woman named Sister Kunz (in the LDS religion adult women are referred to as sister and adult men as brother) gave me the nickname.  My earliest visits were spent sitting next to her on her bed, as she was immobilized recovering from her first knee replacement surgery. She'd do her leg exercises and I'd lie next to her, mimicking her every motion. 

Lois Kunz
November 15, 1917 - December 20, 2012

Yesterday I learned that Sister Kunz had died. She was in her nineties and I knew she hadn't been well, so her death wasn't unexpected, but I was saddened by it nonetheless.  As I looked at her picture with her obituary, memories came flooding back to me. It's been years since I've seen her, but seeing her great smile and warm eyes made her giggle and laughter come flooding back into my memory. She had a great giggle, and was often delighted, telling funny stories with a contagious glee that made a vivid impression on my young mind. 

Until yesterday, I never really thought about what a nuisance I must have sometimes been to her and her family. That she never acted or showed anything but love and a warm welcome to me is a testament to her kind, generous nature. In fact, as I reflect on those years I realize many of my memories of that period of time in my life are from her home. Most Sundays found me sitting with her during church instead of my family, riding home from church and staying for Sunday dinner, often joined by her adult children. I can still picture the stools at her counter that I'd sit and spin back and forth on while I watched her cook and frequently bake her famous dinner and cinnamon rolls.  After dinner, I'd watch the Lawrence Welk show with her and her husband while I played with the Barbies that belonged to her older teenage daughter. 

Sister Kunz was always busy, even when she was sitting and watching TV her hands were seldom idle. She did beautiful knitting and crochet work, and was almost always working on a baby blanket or booties. In her basement there were frequently quilts up on blocks, as she was also a talented quilter. I think I probably took my first stitches on a quilt on one of her beautifully hand-stitched creations. In my cedar chest, where I keep things I treasure and plan to keep forever, I have a set of placemats she crocheted as a gift for my first wedding, and a miniature quilt she made especially for my baby doll. I also treasure her cinnamon roll recipe, which is the only one I've ever used. 

Although the actual number of years I spent in frequent contact with her was small, since we moved away from her neighborhood when I was seven, her influence on my life was huge. In her home I always felt special and welcome. She treated me as she would a cherished grandchild, always patient and interested in everything I had to say. Her hugs were the kind of soft, grandmotherly hugs that make a small child feel incredibly safe and loved. In her home I wasn't a younger sister, competing for attention with my siblings, or waiting for attention from my busy, overwhelmed parents. I was simply her Keicha Bell, a little girl who for some reason was always welcomed with open arms, a warm smile, a hug and an abundance of love. 

Time Passes, Memories Fade, the Heart Heals

Sometimes I long to go back to the days when the passage of time meant simply that, nothing more. Now it means so much more to me than just time marching forward. Thankfully, I'm long past the days when I kept track of each hour, day, and then week that passed, each one marking my loss. During those days I would wake each morning equally amazed and dismayed to realize I was still here, and that my heartache and loss hadn't disappeared during the night.

Today, 2 1/2 years after the day the world and my life as I knew it ceased to exist, I no longer mark time's passing with such sadness. As hard as it is knowing I've lived 2 1/2 years without my sister, I'm also at peace. As much as I can't stand cliches, it really is true that time helps heal all things. Not long ago I listened to this song by Mary Chapin Carpenter. The lyrics describe almost perfectly how I feel. The living, breathing, vibrant, funny, mercurial Julie that I knew is fading away, replaced with softer, faded memories of her no longer tinged with heartbreaking grief and sadness. I'm letting go, and that's okay.

This is for you Jules. Gone, but never forgotten...XO