Cousins

Today I downloaded several hundred pictures from an old camera to my new laptop.  It's been a while since I'd looked at what was on that camera, so I took some time to reminisce and look at pictures from the last four years. It was a fun trip down memory lane. I've always loved looking at pictures, remembering happy times, special occasions, and just plain everyday moments from my life.

I scrolled through the last four years, organizing and editing as I went. There were twinges of sadness as I looked at the many pictures of me with my sisters, but I refused to let myself linger on any one picture or memory too long. Then I came to this picture and the floodgates opened. It was taken the morning after my sister's funeral. The spray of flowers on the coffee table had been on her casket. The children are my nieces and nephews, playing a game of Risk. It's a picture that captures so much, but what I love is that it shows them just being together - being children - yet unknowingly and wordlessly supporting each other during a sad, confusing time.  

I adore all of my cousins. Maybe because to me they're like siblings, but better. There's all the silliness of shared fun and games, whispered plans for coups against parental authority, and shared confidences, but without the kind of rivalry and fighting that happens between brothers and sisters. 

During most of my childhood, my paternal cousins lived near me in Utah. We saw each other often. There were Sunday evening outings together to get ice cream, gatherings at our grandparent's house, birthday celebrations, Christmas Eve parties, Thanksgiving dinners, camping trips, and frequent sleepovers with my two sisters and I and our three female cousins closest in age to us. A one night sleepover during the summer would often turn into several nights in a row.  

My mom was from Colorado so my maternal cousins lived in Colorado, but we also saw each other very regularly. My cousin Michelle is closest in age to me, older by just ten months. During our younger years when I'd first show up in Colorado for a visit, I always felt a little shy around Michelle. It would usually take us a few hours for me to warm up to her. She was always anxious and ready to play the instant I showed up! Her energy, confidence and silliness was more than a little intimidating to me back then. I don't remember exactly when that changed. I just know that I began to adore her at a very young age, and I've never stopped.  

Even as a child, Michelle had a quick wit. She loved to tease and have fun, while I was always more reserved and quiet. She was always the leader, and I was her willing follower. It didn't take much to make us both break into fits of giggles. We were probably very obnoxious to everyone around us for years! When something was funny to us it could take on a life of its own. We had silly names for each other and everyone around us. We had so many inside jokes I'm sure much of what we said didn't make sense to anyone.  

Michelle & I wearing our mom's old dance formals.

Manitou photo booth silliness.

Pie on our faces.

Goofing off for the camera.

When we were older, the two of us, along with my older brother and our cousins Mike and Tony, would sometimes stay together at our Grandma and Grandpa French's house. We would tease and torment each other without mercy. Our days were spent plotting tricks and pranks to play on the boys, and they did the same in return. We all used to sneak down to the river and play in the water for hours, even though our grandma had forbidden us to go near there.  

As teenagers, Michelle and I had a special knack for irritating and embarrassing my older brother. Walking around the block with towels draped over our heads pretending to be nuns completely cracked us up and mortified him. The more he demanded we stop, the more we would do it. We also liked to put on our mother's old formals and traipse around the neighborhood, acting as if it was completely normal. One summer, we battled my brother almost daily for a week with water fights. Actually, it was more of an all out war. We stopped at nothing, including spraying the hose full force into the house through open windows and doors. Amazingly, when my mom came home from work to find the carpets soggy, I don't think she even yelled at us.  

Through the years of laughter, double dating, pranks, teasing our younger sisters and brothers, teenage rebellion and more, our bond grew. As young adults our lives took very different directions and we saw each other less. When we did see each other though, we always picked up as if we'd never been apart. My love for her isn't something I've ever spent much time consciously thinking about. I just know that she's there for me - through thick and thin and without judgement - no matter what, as I am for her.  

Michelle and I - 2010

Another inside joke.  Trust me, this picture is hilarious to the two of us.

The day Julie died, Michelle was one of the first people that called me. Even though she was hundreds of miles away I cried inconsolably with her, talking for at least an hour trying to make sense of my shock and confusion. The day of Julie's funeral I was surprised and grateful when nearly all of my cousins showed up in Colorado, coming from California, Utah and Massachusetts. Even my cousin Mike, serving in the military overseas, was there via Skype. That evening, with family and friends gathered together to relax and reminisce, Michelle knew exactly when it was time to stop crying with me and start me laughing again. Laughing with her and all my cousins that evening after an emotionally exhausting day was exactly what I needed. Being surrounded by them brought me indescribable peace and comfort.  

Me with Michelle after the funeral.

Comfort from my cousins on one of the hardest days of my life. 

I think that's why seeing the picture of my nieces and nephews tonight made me cry. I wasn't crying out of sadness as much as I was out of gratitude--gratitude for the kind of comfort, love, support and understanding that I think is unique among cousins. Someday, I can only hope that my daughter and her cousins discover the same kind of special bond and love that I have with my cousins.

Cousins together during a week of mourning.