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| Gillian's Mother's Day present to me. Mother & infant by Gillian Chapman |
I would never want to repeat what we've dealt with these past several months, but if nothing else it's been a growing experience for both me and Gillian. I've had to come to terms with some things that were extremely painful and disappointing to me, and she's learned a lot about herself and is starting to learn new, better ways of coping. Somewhere several months back I read this great piece of advice, "Parent the child you have, not the child you wish you had." Those words really struck me and I've come back to them over and over when I've been struggling with acceptance and coping.
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| Gillian - May 20, 2015 |
One thing I've tried to continually remind myself of lately is that my function as a parent is to raise a happy, healthy, well-adjusted person who is able to lead a fulfilling life. What a fulfilling life looks for Gillian and the path she takes to get there is up to her. What I'm mostly struggling with right now is how to best help her find that path. Gillian is nearly an adult, and yet in many areas of her life she still needs considerable guidance. I want to give her freedom to make her own choices, even really bad ones, but I also want to help her see that some choices have far-reaching, unintended consequences that we can't always see at the time we make them. A good friend told me several months ago that parents should never deprive their children of the opportunity to pay the price for their own choices. The hard part is knowing if the price is affordable. At what point as parents do we step in and save them from themselves?
Annoying alarms and not wanting to get out of bed were the least of the frustrations and problems we've faced over these last several months. But we did face them. It wasn't pretty and there was plenty of anger, resentment, sadness and misunderstanding. But for now it feels like we're in a pretty good place. Thankfully I have the resources to get Gillian the outside support and care she needs along with counseling for both of us. It seems like we made it through the eye of the storm and I'm cautiously optimistic about the next several months and next school year. Although, the chorus to the Taylor Swift song 'Out of the Woods' keeps playing repeatedly in my head like some kind of cautionary mantra. "Are we out of the woods yet? Are we out the woods? Are we out of the woods? Are we in the clear yet? Are we in the clear yet? Are we in the clear yet, good." Play. Repeat. Over and over.
I'm not quite sure I trust this current calm state of affairs. But for now, I've decided to accept, embrace and enjoy this break. I hope this summer is a time that we can both take a much needed reprieve from the storms of the last year and spend a lot of time laughing, loving, enjoying each other and most of all, healing.
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| Me and my girl - Mother's Day 2015 |
Raising children is tough, but it's always worth it. Without knowing the particulars of your struggle together, I can remember how much I hurt and worried about my son when things didn't go well for him, or he made decisions I felt were wrong. But as you said, it's our place as mothers to support them and give counsel when asked. Well written post, Keicha. :-)
ReplyDeleteAccept the calm, Keicha. It's always good to accept the calm. She may make you crazy in a variety of ways over the course of your lifetimes. I think all kids do. The most important thing to remember is that there are different kinds of issues and as a parent, you know the most important ones to slog through to create a better future for your child. Like you said, the alarm clock is the least of the problems. (We have a 29-year-old who hasn't processed the definition of alarm clock yet. He survives -- we aren't always sure how, but he does!).
ReplyDeleteThe rest -- yes, you are right about putting your energies there and the counseling is important. I'm not sure of all your issues but from what you have said I have great faith in your doing the right things and hope for the endgame. That Mother's Day photo shows a lot of love. That keeps it real.
Mothers are supposed to make us crazy sometimes and they are also supposed to be our biggest source of support, comfort and safety. Sounds like yours is doing her job -- and you are doing the same job with Gillian. Hang tight. And sending hugs across the miles.
Keicha, I've been where you are now, and my stress was off the charts. There is no blueprint for raising children, so as a mom you just have to hang in there, set limits, allow independence, and hope that your child begins to value herself and make positive choices. My "little girl" is in her 40's now, holds a responsible job in education, and has a son of her own. She often reminisces about her turbulent teens. She says, "Mom - I bet you think I deserve any problems I get." I tell her, "No, I don't ever want you and your child to go through what we did!" Good Luck to you and Gillian. I see that she's a talented artist.
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