Happy 21st Birthday To My Green-eyed Girl

It was 21 years ago today that Gillian Marie Chapman made her entry into the world. My memories of that moment are faint. It had been a long journey to that point, costly both financially and emotionally. It took three years of surgeries, treatments, and IVF attempts, then a 21-hour labor to finally bring Gillian into the world. I do remember her first intense gaze  into my eyes and the instant recognition I felt. There she was, the daughter from my dreams.

Her dad and I had chosen not to find out her gender before she was born. I didn't need to. Somehow I just knew I would be having a girl. My certainty about this amused some people. They encouraged me to be prepared for a boy or a girl. I politely ignored them. I was having a girl. I'd seen her in my dreams. 

Photo by Thomas Hardy

So there I was, at long last holding my living, breathing infant in my arms. My dreams finally a reality. Gillian Marie. My green-eyed girl. I wondered, what kind of person would she be? What kind of mom would I be? Although at 28, I wasn't exactly young when she was born, I look back and marvel at my naïveté. I had been so focused on becoming a mom, that I hadn't given all that much thought to how to be a parent. Like most parents, I suppose, I had confidence that I would figure it out as I went along and do just fine. Now, 21 years into my parenting journey, I'm far more humble about my abilities and much more willing to admit that I need all the help and guidance I can get!

Gillian's intelligence showed early. Her desire to express herself and be heard evident from a very young age. She talked early and would charm adults with her clearly spoken full sentences at 18 months. I was shocked that the "terrible two's" started when she was around 16 months, when our battle of wills started. She has always known her own mind and been determined to do things her own way. I quickly realized that raising her was going to challenge me in ways I'd never imagined. 

One thing I hadn't dreamt of when newborn Gillian was laid in my arms was raising her as a divorced, single mom. Sadly, this became my reality when she was just four years old. Of the many disappointments in my life, this is one of the greatest. My failure to provide her with a loving, stable, secure, two-parent home left me guilt-ridden for years afterwards. Instead, my girl was handed a life split down the middle. She spent her childhood living in two households, moving every other week between her dad's house and mine. The image of tiny Gillian dragging her little pink Hello Kitty suitcase and her ever-present Hello Kitty blanket back and forth to her two homes is one that I can still hardly bear to think about. Did it help make her resilient? And adaptable? And strong? My guilty mother's heart hopes so. 

Gillian's childhood years of pigtails, dolls and playing dress-ups were over before I knew it. She showed many of her unique personality traits at a young age. She's always been an old soul, a quiet observer who prefers to watch and listen at social events rather than being the center of attention. What might be mistaken as quiet aloofness in her isn't that at all. Not much gets by her. She has a quick, dry wit that's informed by her astute observations of what's going on around her. 

Although she no longer fits in my high heels, she hasn't outgrown her love of dressing up and wearing heels. She has a classy, elegant style. Her makeup skills have long been on point, something she definitely didn't get from me! I think it's because of her artistic talent and natural understanding of color and shading. 

Her teenage years were marked by some turbulent times. I was terrified by some of the choices she was making, and worried for her future. I relied heavily on others during that time, calling on my village of friends and others to advise and guide me. Thankfully, we both made it through those stormy years. 

I could write an entire book about the regrets I have as a parent. I know that Gillian suffered on many occasions because of my shortcomings. There are parts of her childhood that weren't at all what I hoped they would be, for either of us. 

The last few years of her youth passed in a flash. There's a saying about parenting that I love, "The days are long, but the years are short." That was definitely the case for me. Before I knew it, my little girl was driving, working, then graduated from high school and off to college. 

Her turning 21 is the perfect occasion to celebrate the adult she's become. I'm so proud of her work ethic, curious mind and passion for her chosen fields of study in Political Science and Environmental Studies. Earlier this year Gillian moved into an apartment along with her boyfriend, Francisco. It's not like most young adult's first apartments, sparsely furnished haphazardly with cast-off furniture. True to her nature, she planned, saved and prepared for nearly a year before moving out. She's created a comfortable, stylish home, decorated with the things she loves, including lots of plants, and unique artwork from up-and-coming artists she finds, follows and supports.   

My green-eyed girl, the daughter that I first knew in my dreams is an adult now. I'm in awe of the talented, creative, strong, independent woman she's become. She's making a good life for herself. She cares deeply about the environment, the future of our country, social justice issues and human rights. Her quick mind is being fed by her professors and classes. She is finding her place in the world. I'm confident that not very far off in the future she will use her knowledge and her voice to challenge the status quo and make a positive impact on the world. 

Happy 21st birthday Gillian! I love you. Make the most of your precious life and go out into the world and do great things. 

Gillian on top of the Acropolis of Athens - September 2019